If I Die Before I Wake

If I Die Before I Wake...The first time I came across this phrase was when I read a book of the same title by Francine Pascal. Sounds familiar? Yes, it's the author of the teenage book series Sweet Valley, which revolves mainly about the Wakefield twins Jessica and Elizabeth. Putting that aside, there are also songs and a movie with the same concept as this phrase. The second time I saw this phrase was in another book by Sidney Sheldon - "The Other Side of Midnight", where an ambitious French actress, who is the mistress to a Greek tycoon, and his hired pilot, who was the French actress' ex-lover, plotted to kill the pilot's wife so that they could be together. In the end, they were executed, for the Greek tycoon saw through their treachery and unfaithfulness, and employed a genius lawyer to ultimately lead them to their demise in court.

Now, for some background knowledge...

This phrase originated from a classic children's prayer from the 18th century (source: Wikipedia), and the whole thing sounds roughly like this:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
Should I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Being a non-believer, I'm not really sure where my soul would go after I die. And, being the 'scientific, logical' person I am, I think all bodies just decompose and become nutrients to the ground when people die, or turn into ashes when cremated, and nothing will be left.

Probably, some of you would be already wondering why a self-proclaimed free-thinker would be blogging about a classic prayer...I assure you, this post has nothing to do with religion or faith.

Now, to get to the point. I used to have a voice in my head that told me: I would die at the age of 18 - actual date unknown, causes untold. According to that voice, I would die at 18 because I made some sort of bargain with the devil, and I have no idea what that would be. In short, I have six months left before I find out whether I'm a prophet or I'm actually schizophrenic instead.

So, I'm trying my best to live out these six months and see what happens. If I survive, great - I can continue weaving the tale of my life. If I don't, well...I would say that there were no big regrets in my life, and I love each and every one of you who had crossed paths with me at some point in my life~

=D

1st day of school...

How to put it? I've lost most of my enthusiasm in any activities concerning the college, be it classes, extra curricular activities, unfinished tasks from 2009 and so on. For example, I slept a whole lot of time last night, but I still managed to be half-asleep during LDV and slept the most of the one-hour free slot away before recess time. Social Studies was much better - after filling my stomach, I became slightly more energetic, and the topics were new and fresh and interesting.

The only bright side to this was meeting all of my old friends and chatting, gossiping and more with them again *ahem*

*still seriously lacking motivation for anything but to sleep*

Saying Goodbye to 2009...

31st December 2009 doesn't mean much to me, except for the fact that it signifies the end of my glorious, relaxing, lovely holidays. And the fact that we are stepping into a new year, 2010. This number surely has a nice ring to it, ne? 2-0-1-0....two thousand and ten...twenty ten...two-oh-one-oh. Depends on what you want to call it~

In fact, 2010 might seem even better if I'm not constantly associating it with the movie which stipulates that a big percentage of the world population will be wiped out due to a series of natural disasters. Yes, I'm talking about 2012. Well, I wouldn't worry too much about dying if not for the fact that I would (if everything goes smoothly) be in Canterbury at that time, away from my family and friends. Still, anything might happen, so I would just prefer to live my life to the fullest, have fun and contribute whatever I can in the meantime. Just for the record, I don't really think that the world, or a big part of it, will end in 2012.

As for what I have done during these few weeks of holidays, I could add everything up and still hold it in my two palms -- which amounts to not much *snorts* I remember making some resolutions on what I plan to do, and except for resting, relaxing and hanging out with my friends and family, I did not seem to achieve the other aims.

I'm going back to KL on the 2nd of January. Despite having missed IPBA when the holidays first started, my mood now is...screw classes - holidays are so much better. Seriously.

Current status:

A Lesson I Have Yet to Learn...

I'm not an aggressive person. Most of the time. What I mean is, I don't strike out and hurt people deliberately in most circumstances, preferring to avoid conflict and confrontations.

I thought that was good enough, until my father told me otherwise. In brief, I had an argument with my sister last Saturday, which involved some pretty harsh name-calling and words. When I went back to Penang on Sunday, he did not reprimand me straight, but asked me why I acted that way. When I told him that my sister started it with a rude message, he agreed that my sister was at fault.

Sounds okay? Wait..

Then, he said I was also at fault, although I wasn't the one who started the argument, because I replied in an equally rude manner. According to him, I should have just kept my cool and be forgiving.

The point here is, I'm the type of person who will pay someone back 100 times if and when I'm offended. For example, take Babi and I. I dislike anything and everything related to him, and I often talk bad about him in front of others - name calling, insulting, and so on until everyone now knows him as Babi. It might be cruel, but I feel that I'm just taking revenge on everything he did since Reaching for the Stars until now.

To put it simply, I can't help retaliating when someone does something bad to me, and I don't care about the consequences, focusing on how to hurt the offender as much as possible. The above is just one example out of many. Maybe my father is right, and I would be a better person if I do not hurt others like they have hurt me.

Anyhow, there's a Chinese proverb that says, do not upon others something you wouldn't want people to do to you. If I don't like what that person has done to me, I probably should not do the same thing back to that person.

However, to achieve this, I would certainly need a lot of patience, kindness and develop the ability to forgive - that's a long way to go, and I'm not sure whether I should go that way. In the meantime, Babi is still Babi, and I still hate him and his moronic attitude.

*evil smirk*

Holidays~~~

Yeay~ At the time of writing this post, our holidays have officially begun =D

Now, five weeks doesn't seem like long, but it does make you feel like it's eternity when you are home. One thing for sure, my father is going to cook lots and lots of delicious food for me when I get home on Sunday, and there's a possibility, no, make that a high one, that I will become rounder when I get back from the holidays.

Oh, and as I've warned Uncle Aqmal, Daddy Alip and Daddy Syafiq just now, I might forget how to converse in BM and English for the first few days after classes start once more, just because at home, I'm exposed to a fully Chinese environment except for the movies I watch and books I read ^_^

Some of the 'homework' I need to work on during the holidays (in case I forget):
- The Voice of IPBA magazine...layout and some articles
- Use more of my dear tablet and produce more graphic works
- Finish watching at least two animes from my huge pile of to-watch...especially Fruits Basket and Spiral: Suiri no Kizuna
- Buy the Nokia 5730 ExpressMusic model I have been aiming for a long time
- Buy a new external hard drive
- Read some books...educational ones and novels
- ......

Hmm...I guess that's all for now~

Embrace our Differences? Or Forget Them?

Living in Malaysia, a multiracial community with a diverse culture, I have always seen propaganda that encourages us to forget our differences. Until now, I have accepted those advertisements, books and advice as something to follow in order to achieve harmony, tolerance and peace among our community. For example, prior and after the Independence Day celebration, there would be advertisements by several governmental and non-governmental organisations that promote us to be 'colour blind' and forget that differences exist between various races such as Malay, Chinese, Indians, Punjabi, and many more aboriginal races in Malaysia.

I've always thought that the concept they were propagating - "Forget our Differences" is a good way to narrow the gaps between the different races in Malaysia, for if we were really 'colour blind', we won't see a person as a Chinese, Malay or Indian, but we would see each other as Malaysians.

Until I came across this site ---

http://www.embracingourdifferences.org/

Come to think of it, the idea of embracing our differences makes more sense than to forget our differences. For me, to embrace means to accept our differences as something unavoidable, but we do not just tolerate the differences, we EMBRACE it and we perceive it as normal, that no two humans are identical, and realise the fact that we are not the only race, only group of humans or only type of people to live on this earth, but there are millions and millions of others who share some characteristics and differ from us in certain ways. And this, to me, is a miracle bestowed by nature, for all of us mankind are categorised as humans, as homo sapiens. Still, like how cats, dogs, hamsters, rabbits and more have different breeds, how computers and mobile phones have different models, how a delicious serving of curry can have such diverse flavours that stimulate our taste buds to the maximum, this is how we HUMANS have different types - many cultures, races, colours, lifestyles, habits, nationalities and so on.

I do care if you are black, white, yellow, red or even gray for that matter. I do look at you as Malays, Chinese and Indians. I do know that as people of different races, there are things which one can or cannot do.

What I don't do is deliberately manipulate the factors above to my own benefit. I don't use it as a weapon to hurt, to attack others. I don't highlight the differences as something bad, something people must avoid from mentioning because they are something sensitive.

And what I do, is to acknowledge that every one of us are special in our own ways, and as individuals, we should not forget that everyone is different from one another. And when I want to highlight the differences between people, I try to appreciate and show the diversity that exists as a part of our history and tradition, that makes us humans, and not robots who are identical to each other.

Let's say we literally follow the "Colour blind" concept a.k.a "Forget our differences" concept. What would happen is, we will be less considerate to the differences that exist between us, and when we are colour blind, we might become more shallow, seeing people as what we want them to be, instead of what they really are. We might forget that certain people cannot do what we do every day, certain people can't eat what we eat, certain people can't say things we say. And when we start to forget, we might cease to respect the differences that we have from each other. And when we stop respecting, conflicts and arguments occur, and this means the beginning of a breakdown of the peace we have fought so hard to maintain.

Maybe this concept is usable to a certain extent - if and only if the nation has only one kind of citizens with different colours, for the only difference that exist is only colours and nothing else.

BUT, in the Malaysian context, where there are so many differences between the citizens, not just race, but also background, status, culture, religion and more, forgetting our differences seems less applicable when compared to embracing our differences.

To my fellow Malaysians - a fine example of the 'forget our differences' propaganda would be in any of our assignments or essays or other works, where a sentence close to 'do not touch on sensitive issues such as race, religion or governmental policies' will be stated at the end of the instructions. Before anything, let me explain an analogy - remember a joke about ostriches? When they see a threat or something they do not like, they bury their heads into the sand and think that everything's fine. This is exactly what we are doing now - not allowing people to address the differences, instead demanding that people keep quiet. Let me put forward another analogy - if an alarm rings, and you cover your ears with a headphones and pretend that you hear nothing, you might forget that the people around you can still hear the bell. Read between the lines --- ISA for instance.

What I'm trying to say is, even though you try to put a barrier between the differences and the people, hoping for the 'best' that people won't notice them, people have eyes, ears and most importantly, they have a brain. Sooner or later, they will see, hear and think, and they will realise that we are different after all. So, instead of trying to make us become 'colour blind', why not be 'colour conscious', but in a positive way where you embrace, accept and acknowledge the differences as something that makes us human, makes our culture rich and diverse and gives us our priceless identities.

Just for additional information: the 'embracing our differences' was established in Florida. Compared to the United States, a massive melting pot containing people from all around the world, Malaysia has way less diversity. Still, in a huge country like USA, most of them managed to overcome their differences and work their way to the success of the country. And personally, I think they have got it right, better than what we have done until now. Let's look at the 'One Malaysia' concept - again, it seems to lean more towards forgetting than embracing. I'm not saying that it's wholly unusable, but in a long term plan, maybe we should go for 'Malaysians - Our Diversity is Our Unity' and start to appreciate what we have instead of trying to stereotype Malaysians into just Malaysians.

Perhaps it's time to change our perception of differences in colours and such, for they are important in defining our identities as different people around the world. Instead, we should work on acknowledging it in a way that does not hurt or discriminate people, but portray the uniqueness of each and every one of us.

Finally, just to share a meaningful quote from Mahatma Gandhi:

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"

So, my friends, if you agree with me, start by changing yourselves =D

Calling

Abruptly, my body tensed, and my knuckles gripped the book I was reading so tightly that they turned white. It was as though time froze for a few seconds, which in turn seemed like eternity. Not even daring to breathe in case everything turned out to be a dream, I closed my eyes and listened again for the telltale sound which would mean that you have come, to me.

The hair on my neck prickled, I shivered despite my thick, woolen clothes and sat in my chair as still and straight as a rod. Every fiber in my being comes on full alert when you silently appeared behind me. Even without turning back, I could sense your presence immediately, for the atmosphere in the room took a dangerous, enticing air when you are around.

Slowly and deliberately, I put down my book, stood up and met your gaze. Without saying anything, I could understand you fully through looking into your dark, beautiful eyes. The depth of the swirling, raging emotions I saw there almost made my legs buckle underneath me, not because I fear them, but because I felt my own emotions rising to mirror yours.

There you stood, strong and tall as a warrior, clad in a long, black cloak which nevertheless could not shadow the burning want and desire etched clearly on your handsome face. The unspoken messages in your eyes made me shiver in anticipation and uncertainty despite myself.

I raised my hand timidly to touch your face, but being afraid of spoiling the moment, dropped my hand before it was halfway there. I wanted nothing else but to bury myself in your arms and pour out all my feelings for you after being separated from you for so long, but your unerring gaze made my stay where I was.

Time stood still, with neither of us moving an inch. I searched your face for answers, but got none other than the knowledge that you have suffered much physical hardship, while I suffered equal torment waiting for you. A longing stirred in me, and I took a step closer to you.

With a blink, I found myself in your embrace, my face buried in the warmth of your shoulders like how I wanted. At that moment, I knew that I wouldn't care nor mind, if the end of the earth arrived, or if time stopped forever. The sensation of having you close to me, near enough to touch and feel is more than enough.

The music from the clock that signified the arrival of dawn startled both of us. I wanted to scream, cry and die at the same time when I realised what was happening. Until now, I could still feel your gentle hand on my face, wiping away my tears.

"I'm yours, forever and always," were the last words I heard before you disappeared once again.

~*~*~

I sat in my living room, reading a book as always, though it was a different book than the one I read when I last met you. I'm gradually adjusting towards my life without you, but the pain of losing you never stopped gnawing at my heart. Every familiar object, scenery, smell or sight that reminds me of you makes my heart ache like it's going to break into a million pieces. I still remember the warmth of your lips upon mine, the firmness yet gentleness of your touch, and most of all, your dark, enchanting eyes that tell a thousand and one different stories.

The glass of water on the reading table seemed innocent enough, clear as crystal, never betraying the deadly poison it carries. Suddenly, a strong, freezing gust of wind blew into the room, knocking over the candlestick on the table, which in turn pushed the glass over the table, shattering it like how my heart was shattered. I paid no attention to the glass, nor the bleeding cuts on my hands from it, for there you were, in the doorway, looking just like how I remembered you.

"It's not time yet...don't give up so easily on life," you, or rather your apparition said, with a look so sorrowful that it tore at my battered soul. In an instant, the wind stopped, and you disappeared once again.

Then, I broke down and wept. Wept for all that was, and all that might be, if only you were here with me...

Genting Highlands One-Day Trip (19/10/09)

The title pretty much says it all~ :D

This is a fairly late update, considering the date we went. I guess the main reason for the lateness is none other than assignments - we had to pass up Language Description and Numerical Literacy, all before Thursday. And as usual, I left everything until the last minute to complete~

Our trip:
Kerinchi - Gombak (Bus Station) - Genting - Gombak - Kerinchi - Hostel Sweet Hostel

And the 8 of us who went were Harris, Eizhar, Azham, Azam, Izyani, Mira, Shy and I

On our way to Kerinchi, we ran into the MTCP students, who coincidentally were going to Genting on the same day. They went on an earlier bus, but we met some of them and chatted for a short while ^^

Anyway, this could be said as the Genting trip I had most fun in throughout my whole life.
The reasons:

1) Firstly, this was the first time I went on such a vacation with my friends instead of my family.
2) 'Peer pressure' convinced me to go on the rides I normally wouldn't ride, such as Space Shot, Corkscrew and Sungai Rejang (Actually I have wanted to ride these every time, but it was either too long a queue or last-minute chicken out)
3) It was a Monday, so the crowd was not so big - makes queues shorter.
4) The fun fair

yukina is very sleepy right now...will update later...huhu

The Things We Do...

On the 14th of October, 2009, 9pm, the 'CREW band' (Alif, Hengget and I + Shahril & Rahman) performed at the block 4's Pak Ngah Cafe. Our main repertoire (only practised on the previous night) consisted of 'When You Say Nothing at All' by Ronan Keating, '21 Guns' by Greenday and 'Belaian Jiwa'.

Also, thanks to Alif for his laptop, Khalid for his woofers, uncle Ijat for his microphone and Pak Ngah for lending us the place and electric :D

Anyway, some of you must be wondering, why put up a show at such a place? I mean, there's no stage, no proper sound system and stuff like that. Still, it's a good way to expose our friends to music in a relaxed environment - when they are eating, they can watch us playing and enjoy music at the same time. It's part of the Music Society's objective to spread the love and enthusiasm for music without considering the students' courses, background and musical knowledge.

And some of you might wonder, why put up this show in the first place? Answer: IPG-KBA's Music Society is trying to raise some funds so that we can afford to buy musical instruments for our members to play. For your information, although there is a music room in college equipped with all the instruments we need, the moronic music lecturer will not allow non Music Education students to touch his precious instruments he considers his 'wives' - not surprising really, considering that no woman wants him >_<

This is just plain stupid, isn't it? Have you ever heard of students having to buy their own drums when there is not only one, but TWO drum sets in the college?

If you say, those who are non-Music Education students cannot use the instruments, open your eyes, look at the pervert music lecturer and see how he 'diligently' trains ONLY FEMALE students, not from Music Ed, to play the caklempong.

If you say, non Music Education students might spoil the instruments because they don't know how to use it - puhleeeeez...I think most of us have been playing those instruments far longer than the Music Ed students had, and some of us are more adept than them too.

Still, the lecturer managed to find a way to block us out of the music room, and unless we want to get physical with him (and risk getting thrown out of college at the same time), we have to find other ways to get what we want. Next week is the M3P meeting, where Tn Haji Kamar and Mr Baseni have promised to bring up the matter of getting the instruments for our music society. Also, I heard from the lecturers that Dr Sofi, the director has actually agreed to let us use some of the instruments, but Madam Satinah was the one who refused to grant us permission. Quite a surprise, I must say :o

If everything fails, we still have fundraising concerts, grand ones and mini ones to look forward to ^_^

The things we do just for the sake of music society, to allow all students to play the musical instruments if they are passionate about it, regardless of whether they are from Music Ed or not, their gender and their relationship with the stupid lecturer. Although the instruments might be really costly, we will persevere and try our utmost best to raise enough money to get what we want, though it would be best if the outcome of the meeting next week is positive =)

Owh yea, if you wanna request or dedicate any songs during our next performance, tentatively scheduled on the Wednesday after next, just tell either Alif, Paan Hengget or I. Each song only costs RM1, and it's meaningful to help the music society and enjoy yourselves at the same time, isn't it? :D

Does this remind you of something?

I can't say this for everyone, but some of the people (note the word 'SOME') I've met in my life do behave like that when something goes wrong. And no, I'm not referring to the teachers-students-parents relationship alone. The main point is, when something goes wrong, those people point their fingers at someone else first before considering who is actually at fault.

What is so difficult with being humble and admitting your flaws and the mistakes you have done? Even though it might seem humiliating, people will actually respect and admire you for having the courage to own up to something wrong you did. I for one, really like lecturers who can step down and say that they do not know the answer to a question instead of twisting and turning their words, speaking a lot of nonsense and end up wasting everyone's time instead of trying to answer our question. <--this is in the context of the lectures I've had in IPG-KBA...but I won't name the lecturers. If you are lucky, maybe you will meet the good ones, not the ones who act angry and defensive when the students point out their mistakes.

~*~*~

Yesterday, the MAEPA closing ceremony was held in IPG-KBA's auditorium. Being part of MPP, my duty yesterday along with Uncle Ijat was to stay outside the holding room and cater to our VVIP's needs, if any.

One thing I really don't understand, and I'm not sure whether it only happens in Malaysia or everywhere else in the world, is the pains we take to welcome 'VIPs and VVIPs'. Sure, they might have statuses like Prime Ministers, Presidents, Directors, Ambassadors and more, but still, they are humans, same like all of us - a pair of eyes, ears, hands and legs, and a nose and mouth. The only difference is the additional titles in front of their names - Tun, Dr., Your Excellency......

So, why order a big bunch of students to stand outside the entrance and look pretty, another bunch to be the ushers in the hall, all the lecturers to sit in the hall (and there goes our lectures)...and the list goes on and on (read between the lines: do idiotic work)? Not only it's wasting our time, people will think that people in IPG-KBA are a group of sucker-ups.

Which indeed, some people, though not to be named, are.